Mutant Pirates
by TitansRule
Summary: In an attempt to boost positive publicity, the X-Men try to raise funds for the Bayville Children's Hospital. Of course, just donating money may have been easier when Jean comes up with a novel idea... Parody of POTC. On hiatus.
1. Prologue: Casting

**Disclaimer: X-Men: Evolution doesn't belong to me and neither does 'Pirates of the Caribbean'. I know that this has been done several times already, so I don't pretend that this is an original idea, but it is something that I've always wanted to do and hopefully, it means I'll have something to update when I'm stuck with my other stories. So enjoy.**

Prologue – Casting

"Remind me again why we're doing this?" Kitty asked, flipping through a script.

"Several reasons." Jean answered wearily. "First of all, it provides positive publicity for once. Secondly, it shows that we're human as well as mutant…"

"How?" Lance interrupted. "Because we can humiliate ourselves as well? Go on then," he prompted, when she only glared at him, "what's the third reason?"

"All proceeds will go to charity." Jean told him sweetly. "So is anyone backing out?"

"After that?" Bobby asked. "Like any of us are that heartless."

"Good." Jean smiled. "Now, casting: Kitty, you get to play Elizabeth."

"Yay." Kitty intoned.

"So Lance, of course, is Will." Jean continued. "And Pietro is Jack Sparrow."

"Ah, now that, I don't mind." Pietro admitted, taking the script.

"On that note, I thought it would be quite ironic if Evan was Barbossa." Jean smirked.

"What, so you're going to let Pietro kill me?!" Evan demanded. "After everything we've been through?!"

"I'm also letting you abandon him on an island." Jean reminded him. "Twice."

Evan thought about it. "Alright then."

"Now, Commodore Norrington…" Jean pulled a face as Lance and Kitty both looked up sharply at her. "Difficult one, this. I need someone who can act, which rules out most of the X-guys and someone Lance won't kill, which rules out everyone else except Bobby and Jamie. And, since Jamie's a tad too young, and will be playing young Will, Bobby's stuck with it, 'kay?"

Lance eyed Bobby, who swallowed nervously. "I can deal with that."

Bobby turned to Jubilee, who smiled reassuringly. "Don't worry about it, hun."

"Good." Jean cleared her throat. "Now, Paige, we'll have to dye your hair, but you'll be playing young Elizabeth. Scott, Governor Swann…don't give me that look; it's all that fits. Roberto, Ray, you're Pintell and Ragetti…Forge, do you think you can knock up a couple more image inducers?"

"I'll see what I can do." Forge promised.

"Thank you." Jean nodded. "Now, Logan, you'll be Mr. Gibbs; Lexa, Annamaria. Kurt, you're Lieutenant Gillette."

Kitty sniggered. "What were they thinking?"

"I don't know." Jean shrugged. "Sam, you can be Cotton. That's the pirate who doesn't speak. Forge, any chance of a robot parrot?"

"Absolutely." Forge responded, busying himself in his temporary lab.

"Oh, wait." Jean flipped through the script. "No, Sam, you're Murtogg and Alex is Mullroy. The sailors who won't let Jack near the boat." She added when they just stared at her. "So, Piotr, you'll have to be Cotton then. Now any volunteers for Scarlet and Giselle?"

"Who?" Rogue asked. "You mean the prostitutes in Tortuga? Who in their right mind would volunteer for that?"

"I'll do it." Tabby offered. "It means I get to slap Pietro."

"Oh, that's true." Rogue remembered. "Alright, I'm in too."

Pietro rolled his eyes. "Thanks."

"As for everyone else, mingle. And, Jamie, we'll be needing a few clones."

"Right." Jamie chirped happily.

"Excellent." Jean stated. "So can we do this?"

"We can do this!" Kitty responded. "But what are you?"

"I'm the director, of course." Jean sniffed. "What else would I be?"

"Oh of _course_." Rogue muttered. "How silly of us."

"Any questions?" Jean asked.

"Er, hang on." Kitty flipped through her script. "You're missing a few characters. What about the Bo'sun? And the bloke with dreadlocks? You know, the one who questions Barbossa's every move?"

Jean started and checked her clipboard. "Good Lord, you're right! Okay, Sarah **(1)**, you can play the Bo'sun and the other one…" She gave up on the list and began scanning her team-mates, all of whom avoided her gaze. "Jubilee."

Jubilee sighed. "Oh, if I must. You do realise that people are going to have to double up with non-speaking parts, don't you?"

"Yes, of course." Jean waved her hand impatiently. "Off you run, everyone! Costumes and make-up."

Amanda sniggered. "They're going to hate you by the end of it."

"Remind me again why I've let you off?" Jean prompted.

Amanda pulled out a pot. "Because I brought you chocolate chip cookies."

"Oh yeah." Jean took one and pulled out a megaphone. "Okay, everyone; places! Oh, and Amara, you get to play Kitty's maid."

"Oh, wonderful." Amara rolled her eyes.

"It's nothing personal." Jean shrugged. "It's just that you're the only person here who knows how to lace up a corset."

Kitty stuck her head out of her dressing room. "Damn; I'd forgotten that! Are you sure the corset is necessary?"

"Look, it won't be that long." Jean told her. "Just stick the nightgown on and wait the first scene out."

"And there's another reason you left me out." Amanda commented as Jean dropped her head into her hands. "You need someone to help you stay sane."

**AN: (1) For those of you who are reading 'Of Love and Life' you'll know who I mean; for those of you who aren't, Sarah Rushman (Marrow) was originally in the comics, wasn't in Evo and is Ray's best friend from his Morlock days.  
Also this is sort of based in with my other stories, so the Brotherhood are living with the X-Men and they (mostly) get along, but it's not really necessary to read my other XME stories. Although it would be nice if you did *hint* *hint*.**

**Now that's said and done, review please, so I know how I'm doing!**


	2. Scene One: Send Ships Send Big Ships

**Disclaimer: I don't own X-Men: Evolution or Pirates of the Caribbean. Oh, and Paige is Sam's little sister, borrowed from the comics, which I also don't own, not even on paper.**

Scene One – Send Ships; Send Big Ships

"Jean…I'm almost afraid to ask…" Bobby gulped. "But how did we get an entire ocean in here?"

Jean sighed wearily. "Honestly, Bobby, that is a few feet of water and a backdrop! It is not an entire ocean!"

"Well, it looks like an entire ocean." Bobby maintained stubbornly.

"It's supposed to!" Jean rolled her eyes and lifted the megaphone again. "Places, everybody! Paige, take your parasol and head to the bow. Or is it the stern?"

"The bow." Kitty answered. "The stern is the back end."

"Thank you." Jean cleared her throat. "ACTION!"

As Forge started up a fog machine, Paige opened her parasol and gazed out over the water, singing to herself. "_We pillage, we plunder, we rifle and loot; drink up me hearties, yo ho! We kidnap and ravage and don't give a hoot; drink up me hearties, yo ho! Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's life for me! We extort, we pilfer, we filch and sack; drink up…_"

A hand descended on her shoulder and she gasped, spinning around, the parasol falling from her hand.

"Quiet, missy!" Logan hissed. "Cursed pirates sail these waters! You don't want to bring 'em down on us, do you?!"

Amanda leaned over to Jean. "I think he's just enjoying scaring her."

"I think you're right." Jean whispered back.

"Mr. Logan, that will do!" Bobby snapped, striding up in a strange wig. Off-stage, Jubilee stuffed her fist into her mouth to keep from laughing out loud.

"She was singing about pirates!" Logan protested. "Bad luck to be singing about pirates with us mired in this unnatural fog, mark my words."

"Consider them marked." Bobby told him, knowing that for once Logan couldn't get him for talking back. "On your way."

"Aye Lieutenant." Logan muttered, walking off and taking a swig from his hip flask. "It's bad luck to have a woman onboard too, even a miniature one."

"I think it'd be rather exciting to meet a pirate." Paige commented.

"Think again, Miss Summers." Bobby chided sternly…only, being Bobby, it came out more as a bad impersonation of Scott. Of course, it being Bobby, that may have been intentional. "Vile and dissolute creatures, the lot of them. Jean, what does dissolute mean?"

"Immoral." Jean answered.

"Right." Bobby paused. "And what does that mean?"

"Does bad things." Jean rolled her eyes. "And you wonder why you're failing English. Carry on."

"Right." Bobby cleared his throat and got back into character. "I intend to see to it that any man who sails under a pirate flag or wears a pirate brand gets what he deserves: a short drop and a sudden stop."

Curious, Paige looked to Logan who mimed a very realistic hanging.

Scott appeared out of nowhere, also wearing a very strange wig, but not looking quite as ridiculous as Bobby. "Lieutenant Drake, I appreciate your fervour, but I'm…er…I'm concerned about the effect the subject will have on my daughter."

Bobby nodded sharply. "My apologies, Governor Summers."

"Actually, I find it all fascinating." Paige admitted.

Scott pulled a face. "Yes, that's what concerns me."

Paige smiled and began to search the water for her parasol. She found it floating a few metres away and sighed, but her disappointment changed to confusion when she noticed something else floating alongside it. Her gaze travelling further out, she noticed a large plank of wood with something balanced on top of it. Narrowing her eyes and leaning out a little further, she could just make out that the shape was…

"A boy! Look, there's a boy in the water!"

Instantly, Scott and Bobby were at her side. "Man overboard!" Bobby hollered. "Man the ropes! Fetch a hook! Haul him aboard!"

Paige hung back as Jamie was pulled onto the deck, her face pale with worry.

Bobby bent over him. "He's still breathing."

Logan looked out over the water and sucked in his breath. "Mary, Mother of God!"

"What happened here?!" Scott demanded, seeing the burning ship. "And why didn't we notice it earlier?"

"I don't know." Jean sighed. "Just go with it!"

"It was most likely the powder magazine." Bobby decided. "Merchant vessels run heavily armed."

"Lot good it did them." Logan grunted. "What? Everyone's thinking it; I'm just saying it! Pirates."

"Now there's no proof of that." Scott threw a significant look at Paige, who was listening intently to the argument. "It was probably an accident."

"Rouse the captain immediately!" Bobby ordered. "Heave to and take in sail! Launch the boats!"

"Heave to!" The sailors – mostly Jamie clones – called.

Scott put a hand on Paige's shoulder. "Katherine, I want you to accompany the boy; he'll be in your charge. Take care of him."

Paige nodded and knelt by Jamie's head; almost immediately, he jolted away and grasped her wrist in a panic. "It's okay." She soothed, carefully loosening his grip. "My name's Katherine Summers."

"Lance Alvers." Jamie coughed out.

"I'm watching over you, Lance." Paige promised as he fell unconscious again. Her eyes fell on a chain around his neck and she pulled it out to reveal a medallion. She gasped. "You're a pirate!"

"Has he said anything?" Bobby asked, coming over.

Paige hastily hid the medallion behind her back. "His name is Lance Alvers. That's all I found out."

"Take him below!" Bobby ordered.

As the sailors left with Jamie, Paige studied the medallion closer, then looked back at the burning ship. Her eyes widened as a second ship came into view, with black sails and a black flag at the mast. She closed her eyes tightly.

"Cut!" Jean called. "Kitty, you ready?"

"When you are." Kitty confirmed as the next scene floated into place. She slipped into the bed and closed her eyes.

"Action!"

With a start, Kitty's eyes opened and she sat up and got out of bed, hurrying over to the chest of drawers. Pulling open the top drawer, she popped the bottom out and removed the medallion, holding it up to the light.

A knocking at the door startled her.

"Katherine?" Scott called. "Are you awake? Are you decent?"

Quickly, Kitty threw the medallion over her neck and tucked it into her nightdress. "Yes!" She grabbed a robe and put it on. "Yes!"

Scott opened the door and Amara slipped past him with a box, which she laid on the bed to allow her to draw the curtains. "Still abed at this hour? It's a beautiful day. I have a gift for you."

Amara opened the box and lifted out an extravagant dress.

"Oh, it's beautiful!" Kitty commented.

"Isn't it?" Scott agreed.

"May I enquire as to the occasion?" Kitty asked.

"Does a father need an occasion to dote upon his daughter?" Scott responded. "Go on."

Kitty slipped behind a partition and Amara helped her change into her next costume.

"Actually…" Scott coughed sheepishly. "I had hoped you might wear it to the ceremony today."

"What ceremony?" Kitty called.

"Captain Drake's promotion ceremony." Scott answered.

Kitty stuck her head out. "I knew it!"

"Commodore Drake, as he's about to become." Scott continued, paying no attention to her. "A fine gentleman, don't you think? He fancies you, you know."

Amara laced the corset up and Kitty gasped for air.

"Katherine? How's it coming?"

"It's difficult to say!" Kitty responded in a strained voice.

"I'm told it's the latest fashion in London." Scott told her.

"Well, women in London must have…" Kitty gasped again "…learned not to breathe!"

Jamie, in a cameo, knocked on the open door. "Milord, you have a visitor."

Down in the entrance hall, Lance was waiting, looking a cross between bored and apprehensive; he reached out to a wall-sconce and part of it broke off. Glancing around nervously, he dropped it into a cane stand and pretended nothing had happened.

"Ah, Mr. Alvers!" Scott greeted, coming down the stairs. "Good to see you again. There's a lie if ever I heard one."

"Scott!" Jean snapped. "I know you don't like him, but would you try to stick to the script?!"

Flinching away from his angry wife, Scott nodded; Lance choked back a joke in favour of not getting killed by a furious redhead and just got on with it. "Good day, sir; I have your order." He opened the case he was holding and presented Scott with a sword.

Scott unsheathed it. "Well!"

"The blade is folded steel. That's gold filigree laid into the handle. If I may?" Lance took the sword back and balanced it. "Perfectly balanced. The tang is nearly the full width of the blade." He flipped the sword with precision and presented it.

"And what exactly does that mean?" Scott muttered.

Lance shrugged. "I have no idea."

Letting it pass, Scott took the sword back. "Impressive. Very impressive. Commodore Drake will be very pleased with this. Do pass my compliments on to your master, hmmm?"

"I shall." Lance nodded, looking a little irritated. "A craftsman is always pleased to hear his work is appreciated."

Scott was about to respond when he caught sight of his 'daughter' coming down the stairs. "Oh, Katherine, you look absolutely stunning!"

"Lance!" Kitty greeted, ignoring him. "It's so good to see you! I had a dream about last night!"

"About me?" Lance asked, looking startled.

"Yes, well, is that entirely proper for you to..." Scott began.

"About the day we met." Kitty continued. "Do you remember?"

Lance smiled. "How could I forget, Miss Summers?"

Kitty laughed. "Lance, how many times must I ask you to call me Katherine?"

"You never have." Lance pointed out. "You hate people calling you that."

Jean groaned and dropped her head into her hands. "Lance! Katherine is more this time period than Kitty, now would you just _stick_ to the _script_!"

"At least once more, Miss Summers, as always." Lance complied.

"There, you see?" Scott sighed with relief. "At least the boy has a sense of propriety! Now, we really must be going." He handed Kitty her parasol. "There you are."

Kitty opened it, looking slightly hurt. "Good day, Mr. Alvers."

"Come along." Scott helped her into the carriage, leaving Lance standing in the doorway.

Lance watched as the carriage trundled down the drive. "Good day…Katherine."

"And cut!" Jean called. "Well, that wasn't too bad."

"I think it went quite well, actually." Amanda agreed. "But it'll get worse."

"Oh, definitely." Jean nodded. "Just remember why we're doing this people."

"Yeah, we know." Kitty rolled her eyes. "Bayville Children's Hospital. These kids had better be grateful."

"Kitty, why are you changing?" Jean demanded. "You need that costume next scene."

"Yeah, well, I'll need a break first." Kitty snapped. "I can't breathe!"

**AN: Next, Bobby proposes and Pietro rips Kitty's dress off…think I can stop Lance from killing them? Review please!**


	3. Scene Two: Pirates and Proposals

**Disclaimer: I don't own XME or Pirates of the Caribbean. Paige Guthrie and Sarah Rushman both came from the comics and I don't own them either. Lexa is better known as X-23.**

Scene Two – Pirates and Proposals

Once Jean had sorted out the mini-fights that had broken out during the break, she returned to her main problem. "Kitty, just put the dress on!"

"No!"

"Put the dress on please!" Jean pleaded.

"It's not going to happen, Jean!" Kitty insisted, glaring at her costume. "It's evil and out to get me."

"Come on, Kitty." Pietro smirked from his 'ship'. "The sooner you put it on, the sooner I get to rip it off."

"Stop hitting on my girl, Maximoff." Lance warned.

"Come on, Kitty, think of the children!" Jean changed her approach quickly. "They need us!"

"Oh, fine!" Kitty snapped, grabbing the dress and stalking off into her dressing room.

"Lance, you come and sit here." Jean commanded, gesturing to the seat next to her. "I want you where I can keep an eye on you."

"I'm not going to kill anyone!" Lance protested.

"I'll be the judge of that." Jean lifted him telekinetically and dropped him into the next chair. "Okay, Quicksilver, on to the mast of your sinking ship please! Storm, could we get a breeze please?"

Ororo's eyes glowed white and a soft breeze played across the water as Pietro stood on the mast of his 'ship', looking pretty damn impressive.

Lexa sighed. "You know, I'm not one for swooning, but I may well make an exception."

Pietro smirked down at her and, in the process, noticed that his boat had sprung a leak. Jumping down from the mast he seized a bucket and began bailing out.

"Hasn't quite got the same effect, has it?" Tabby commented.

"Oh, shut up." Pietro hissed, then pretended to catch sight of the three skeletons hanging from the rock. "Red, couldn't you have made them look more realistic?"

Jean smiled sweetly. "I could…but we needed you in the cast."

Pietro swallowed. "Right, sticking to the script now." He took off his hat and saluted the three skeletons, taking note of the sign that read _Pirates, Ye Be Warned_.

As the 'ship' reached the harbour, Pietro climbed back onto the mast, taking no notice of the boat sinking until he stepped straight on to the dock. "Anyone else think that it's very convenient that it reached that height at that time?"

Jean sighed. "Oh, just get on with it!"

"Right." Pietro headed along the dock, past Jamie.

"What?" Jamie did a double-take and hurried after him. "Hold up there, mate! It's a shilling to tie your boat up at the dock."

Both looked at what was left of the boat.

"And I shall need to know your name." Jamie added, opening his log book.

"What do you say to three shillings…" Pietro dropped three coins on the open page "…and we forget the name."

Jamie eyed him for a second. "Welcome to Port Royal, Mr. Smith."

As Pietro continued on his way, he caught sight of the money pouch on Jamie's stand and slipped it into his pocket.

Up at the fort, the soldiers were getting ready for Bobby's promotion ceremony and were marching around as per order.

"Two paces march! Right about face! Present arms!"

Finally forming two lines, they created an arch with their bayonets and Bobby walked through the middle to where Scott was waiting with the new sword. He presented the sword to Bobby who began performing strange tricks with it, having to rely on Jean's telekinesis to keep from cutting himself.

Kitty stood in the crowd, fanning herself and trying to breathe evenly. The sun wasn't helping.

Down at the docks, Pietro caught sight of a ship tied up all on its lonesome and decided to go and keep it company.

Sam and Alex grabbed their bayonets and hurried to cut him off.

"This dock is off-limit to civilians." Sam stated stiffly.

"I'm terribly sorry; I didn't know." Pietro told him. "If I see one, I shall inform you immediately." He moved to get past them, but they still cut him off, so he tried a different approach. "Apparently there's some high-toned and fancy to-do up at the fort. How could it be that two upstanding gentlemen such as yourselves did not merit an invitation?"

Sam looked a little confused. "Someone has to make sure this dock stays off-limits to civilians."

"It's a fine goal, to be sure." Pietro said. "But it seems to me that a…" he moved to point at another ship on the next dock and they jumped in front of him again "…a ship like that makes this one here a bit superfluous, really. And superfluous means?"

Jean groaned and began banging her head against her clipboard.

"More than necessary." Amanda answered, tugging the board out of Jean's hands.

"Ah."

"Oh, the _Dauntless_ is the power in these waters, true enough." Sam agreed. "But there's no ship that can match the _Interceptor_ for speed."

Pietro pretended to think for a few seconds. "I've heard of one. It's supposed to be very fast…nigh uncatchable…the _Black Pearl_."

Alex sniggered. "Well, there's no _real_ ship that can match the _Interceptor_."

"The _Black Pearl_ is a real ship." Sam told him.

Alex sighed. "No, no, it's not."

"Yes, it is." Sam insisted. "I've seen it."

"You've seen it?" Alex asked.

"Yes."

"You haven't seen it!" Alex rolled his eyes.

"Yes, I have!" Sam maintained.

Alex took his attention off of Pietro for a second. "You've seen a ship with black sails, that's crewed by the damned and captained by a man so evil that hell itself spat him back out?"

"No." Sam admitted.

"No." Alex turned back to Pietro, when…

"But I have seen a ship with black sails." Sam continued.

"Oh!" Alex completely took his attention away from Pietro. "And no ship that's not crewed by the damned and captained by a man so evil hell itself spat him back out could possibly have black sails therefore couldn't possibly be any other ship than the _Black Pearl_. Is that what you're saying?"

While all this was going on, it should be noted that Pietro had slipped away to the _Interceptor_.

Sam nodded. "No."

Alex smirked. "Like I said, there's no _real_ ship that can match the _Interceptor_…"He turned back to Pietro, only to realise that he was gone.

"Hey!" Sam shouted, seeing Pietro at the wheel of the ship. "You! Get away from there."

They rushed onboard, bayonets at the ready.

"You don't have permission to be aboard there, mate." Alex added.

"I'm sorry, it's just – it's such a pretty boat. Ship." Pietro corrected.

"What's your name?" Sam demanded

"Smith." Pietro answered. "Or Smithy, if you like."

"What's your purpose in Port Royal, Mr. Smith?" Alex asked, sounding disbelieving.

"Yeah, and no lies." Alex added.

Pietro sighed. "Well, then, I confess, it is my intention to commandeer one of these ships, pick up a crew in Tortuga, raid, pillage, plunder and otherwise pilfer my weasley black guts out!"

Sam scowled. "I said no lies!"

"I think he's telling the truth." Alex said.

Sam sighed. "If he were telling the truth, he wouldn't have told us."

"Unless, of course, he knew you wouldn't believe the truth even if he told it to you." Pietro supplied, confusing them even more.

Up on the battlements, the ceremony was over and everyone was milling around, except Kitty, who was still desperately trying to force air into her lungs.

Nervously, Bobby approached her. "May I have a moment?"

Kitty nodded and followed him out to the edge of the battlements, leaning on the wall to steady herself.

"Uh, you look lovely, Katherine." Bobby told her truthfully. "I, uh, apologize if I seem forward, but I…must speak my mind. This promotion throws into sharp relief that which I have not yet achieved. Uh…a marriage to a fine woman." He glanced at Jubilee who just smirked at him. Swallowing hard, he turned back to his companion. "You have become a fine woman, Katherine."

"I can't breathe." Kitty gasped.

Bobby chuckled weakly. "Yes, I…I'm a bit nervous myself."

Of course, that wasn't what Kitty meant. Finally running out of air, she fainted falling straight off of the battlements.

Down on the _Interceptor_, Pietro was just finishing telling Sam and Alex what appeared to be a long-winded and thrilling tale. "_…_and then they made me their chief."

There was a loud splash and they all looked around to see Kitty sink underwater.

Up on the battlements, Bobby turned to see Kitty missing. "Katherine?" He glanced down at the water to see the ripples. "Katherine! My God!" He began pulling of his jacket, intending to dive down and rescue her.

Kurt and a few other soldiers rushed up to him. "The rocks! Sir, it's a miracle she missed them."

Down on the _Interceptor_, Pietro turned to Alex. "Will you be saving her then?"

"I can't swim." Alex said. "Hang on! Of course I can swim, I'm a surfer!"

"I know that!" Jean sighed. "But it's crucial to the plot that you can't!"

Pietro looked at Sam, who shrugged. "Pride of the King's Navy you are." He shoved his hat into Alex's hands and gave his effects to Sam. "Do not lose these." He climbed up on to the side of the ship and dived in.

As Kitty landed on the sea-floor, the medallion floated out of her dress and pulsed, sending a ripple through the water.

"What was that?" Sam asked.

As Alex shrugged, a wind started up, blowing the flag around. Out on the rock, the pirate skeletons swayed in the wind. Alex and Sam grabbed their hats to keep from losing them.

Pietro managed to get Kitty to the surface, but her dress weighed them down and dragged them both under. Giving up, he ripped the dress off and pulled her towards the docks; Sam and Alex raced to meet them.

"I got her." Sam helped Pietro lay Kitty on the dock. "She's not breathing!"

"Move!" Pietro commanded. He grabbed a knife and cut the corset, ripping it open. As if on cue, Kitty coughed and began gasping for breath. All three immediately averted their eyes.

"Towel, sugar?" Rogue offered.

Kitty took it. "Thanks."

"Are you decent?" Sam asked, eyes tightly closed.

Kitty rolled her eyes. "Yes, you can look."

"Back to the script it is then." Sam decided.

"Never would've thought of that." Alex admitted as Pietro shoved the corset into Sam's hands.

"Clearly you've never been to Singapore." Pietro quipped. At that moment, he caught sight of the medallion. "Where did you get that?"

A sword suddenly appeared in his face. "On your feet." Bobby ordered.

"Katherine!" Scott cried, helping her to her feet. "Are you alright?"

"Yes, I'm fine." Kitty accepted the blanket he wrapped around her shoulders.

Scott glared at Sam, who dropped the corset and gestured to Pietro. "Shoot him!"

"Father!" Kitty protested. "Commodore, do you really intend to kill my rescuer?"

Looking a little sheepish, Bobby sheathed his sword and held out his hand. "I believe thanks are in order." As Pietro shook his hand, he pushed his sleeve up, revealing a 'P'. "Had a brush with the East India Trading company, did we, pirate?"

"Hang him." Scott commanded.

"Keep your guns on him, men. Wagner, fetch some irons." Bobby pushed the sleeve up a little further, revealing a lightning bolt. "Well, well…Pietro Maximoff, isn't it?"

Pietro cleared his throat. "Captain Pietro Maximoff , if you please, sir."

Bobby looked around, "Well, I don't see your ship…Captain."

Pietro shrugged. "I'm in the market as it were."

"He said he'd come to commandeer one." Sam cut in.

"Told ya he was telling the truth." Alex handed everything over to Scott. "These are his, sir."

Bobby picked up the gun and examined it. "No additional shots nor powder." He opened the compass. "A compass that doesn't point north." He smirked and pulled the sword out a little. "And I half expected it to be made of wood." He sheathed the sword again. "You are without doubt the _worst_ pirate I've ever heard of."

Pietro held up a finger. "But you have heard of me." He was led along the dock to be put in chains.

Kitty discarded the blanket and followed them. "Commodore, I really must protest."

"Carefully, Lieutenant." Bobby warned.

Kitty moved in between Bobby and Pietro. "Pirate or not this man saved my life."

"One good deed is not enough to redeem a man of a lifetime of wickedness." Bobby told her.

"Though it seems enough to condemn him." Pietro muttered.

Bobby gritted his teeth. "Indeed."

"Finally." As the binds were complete, Pietro threw the chains over Kitty's head and pulled her to him, making her gasp with shock and effectively holding her hostage.

Offstage, Jean put a calming hand on Lance's shoulder, telepathically reminding him that they were only acting.

"No, don't shoot!" Scott cried.

"No, duh!" Bobby rolled his eyes.

Jean sighed. "I knew he couldn't stay professional for too long. Can we keep the adlibbing to a minimum please?"

Pietro smirked. "I knew you'd warm up to me. Commodore Drake, my effects, please, and my hat."

Bobby didn't move.

"Commodore!" Pietro repeated warningly, tightening his hold a little. "Katherine…It is Katherine, isn't it?"

"It's Miss Summers." Kitty corrected through gritted teeth.

"Miss Summers, if you'd be so kind. Come, come, dear. We don't have all day."

Reluctantly Bobby handed the effects to Kitty,

Pietro turned her so she was facing him and the tip of his gun was aimed at her head. "Now if you'd be very kind."

Kitty forced the hat onto Pietro's head and fixed the rest of them on, while Pietro smirked at Bobby – and at Lance – over her shoulder.

"Easy on the goods, darling." He murmured.

"You're despicable." Kitty told him.

Pietro shrugged. "Sticks and stones, love. I saved your life, you save mine, we're square." He spun her around again and began walking backwards. "Gentlemen, m'lady, you will always remember this as the day that you almost caught Captain Pietro Maximoff!" He released her and pushed her into Scott and Bobby, before jumping and catching hold of the bar thing that holds the sails up.

**(AN: You can tell my knowledge of ships is minimal, can't you?)**

"Now, will you shoot him?" Scott demanded.

"Open fire!" Bobby ordered.

The soldiers began firing as Pietro swung around and around. Fortunately, they all had awful aim and missed every time. Finally coming to a stop, Pietro managed to loop his chains over a rope and slid down it, before making a run for it.

"On his heels." Bobby called. "Wagner, Mr. Maximoff has a dawn appointment with the gallows. I would hate for him to miss it."

Kurt nodded and led the rest of the soldiers into town, totally confusing all the townspeople, because they had no idea what was going on.

"Search upstairs. Look lively, men."

A group of soldiers ran past a statue of a blacksmith…holding a sword…Hmm, that doesn't seem right…

"And cut!" Jean called.

"Please don't kill me!" Bobby cried immediately.

"I'm not going to kill you." Lance rolled his eyes. "Pietro, on the other hand…"

"Now come on, Lance; I'm just reading the script!" Pietro protested. "Lexa, help me out here!"

Lexa pondered for a minute. "No, I don't think I will."

Pietro swallowed. "Kitty, please help me!"

"Well, since you said please," Kitty sighed, "Lance, don't hurt him; it was in the script and I was acting."

"Yeah, but…" Lance began.

Giving up on convincing him, Kitty decided to take the road less travelled and just kissed him instead, causing him to stop protesting and wrap his arms around her.

Scott groaned. "Kitty! I don't need to see that!"

Jean put a hand on his shoulder. "Just ignore it. At least this way you'll still have a full team afterwards."

"That's true." Scott agreed, turning his back on them. "That's very true."

"Mind you, I can't wait to see what Kitty'll have to do to stop Lance killing people later." Jean commented. "This was a very mild scene."

Scott paled. "Jean, why? Why do you do this? Why?"

**AN: Why, indeed? Think maybe Jean likes tormenting Scott as much as we do?**

**Next scene: Lance and Pietro have a sword-fight…with real swords…don't try this at home, kiddies!**

**Review please!**


	4. Scene Three: Eunuchs and Interruptions

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Disclaimer: I have yet to own X-Men: Evolution or Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl. And while I thank Marvel for bringing us X-Men and Disney for bringing us POTC, combining the two is JUST PLAIN WRONG!

**Ahem. This chapter is dedicated to shadowcat6620, who dug me out of my writer's block by suggesting I bring in the kids from 'All's Fair in Love and War' and 'Of Love and Life'. Again, you don't have to have read them, but:**

**Lorelai LeBeau is Rogue and Gambit's daughter, who's three-years-old in this.  
****Joey and Monica Summers are Scott and Jean's twins, who are three-years old in this.  
****Cindy Drake is Bobby and Jubilee's daughter, who is two-years-old in this.  
****Liam Alvers is Lance and Kitty's son, who is two-years-old in this.  
****Eloise Allerdyce is Pyro and Amara's daughter, who is two-years-old in this.**

**While these happen to be some of the couples I ship, only Lancitty and Xietro will be really prominent in this, so please don't be put off if you don't agree with some of them. If you're not a Lancitty fan...well, why are you reading this in the first place lol. If you want to know anymore, my other stories are on my profile :)**

**Enjoy.**

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Scene Three – Eunuchs and Interruptions

Jean flipped through the script and leaned over to Amanda. "Do you think we should swap the swords for fakes?"

"Why?" Amanda asked. "We've got your telekinesis and Lorna's powers. They'll be fine."

"I hope you're right." Jean murmured. "Remy, didn't you say you'd been teaching them sword-fighting?"

"_Oui._"Remy nodded. "But I didn't get very far."

"Right." Jean handed him a bottle. "To your seat then, Mr. LeBeau."

Remy examined the bottle. "Bloody empty." He muttered, stalking onset. (1)

Jean sighed, shaking her head. "And people ask me if I typecast. Places people! Action!"

Still chained, Pietro slipped into the blacksmith and looked around for a way to break the chains.

The bottle clattered from Remy's hand and Pietro jumped; he crept over and tried to wake him up, but to no avail.

Satisfied, Pietro turned his attention to the other problem at hand. Or rather, hands. He tried to break the chain with a hammer, but it didn't work and he was about to give up when he saw the donkey hooked up to a piece of machinery.

"Hold it!" Kurt called. "Where did we get the donkey?"

Jean looked at Amanda, who looked momentarily panicked. "Er…internet?" (2)

"Alright." Kurt conceded. "Carry on."

Pietro picked up the red hot poker. "Isn't this going to hurt him?"

Jean rolled her eyes. "He'll be fine, Pietro; just do it."

"Fine."

The donkey started and began moving, causing the wheels on the machine to move as well. Pietro looped his chain over the wood and let the wheels break it.

Just in time too, as the door opened and he dived for cover.

Lance shut the door behind him and hung his coat up, taking his sweet time to turn around. When he finally did, he saw Remy still 'fast asleep' in his chair and snorted under his breath. "Right where I left you."

As he turned away, he caught sight of the hammer, still on the anvil. "Not where I left you." He reached for the hat next to it, but the flat of a sword landed on his hand.

Lance backed up. "You're the one they're hunting. The pirate."

"You look somewhat familiar." Pietro told him. "Have I threatened you before?"

"I make a point of familiarity with pirates." Lance sneered.

"Ah, well then it would be a shame to put a black mark on your record." Pietro turned to leave and Lance grabbed one of the many swords.

Pietro turned back slowly. "Do you think this wise, boy? Crossing swords with a pirate."

Lance didn't flinch. "You threatened Miss Summers."

Pietro brought his sword up to meet his. "Only a little."

The two began parrying, each equal to the others.

"I can't watch." Kitty muttered, burying her head in her hands.

"Hell, I can." Lexa smirked. "They're good."

"You know what you're doing, I'll give you that." Pietro admitted. "Excellent form. But how's your footwork? If I step here…very good. And if I step again…" He managed to manoeuvre himself so that he was between Lance and the door, not the other way round. "Ta!" He sheathed his sword and headed to the door.

Lance threw the sword after him and Lexa screamed, gripping Kitty's arm tightly, as the blade just missed Pietro's head and embedded itself in the door.

"We'll edit that out." Amanda muttered to Jean.

Pietro tried unsuccessfully to pull the sword out. "That is a wonderful trick. Except once again you are between me and my way out." He drew his sword. "And now you have no weapon."

Lance grabbed a red-hot sword from the fire and they began fighting again.

"Who makes all these?" Pietro asked, seeing the swords everywhere.

"I do." Lance answered. "And I practice with them three hours a day."

"You need to find yourself a girl, mate." Pietro commented, smirking at Kitty. "Or perhaps the reason you practice three hours a day is that you've already found one and are otherwise incapable of wooing said strumpet. Whatever a strumpet is." He paused. "You're not a eunuch are you?"

"What's a eunuch?" Jamie asked.

Jean and Amanda exchanged a worried glance. "Ask Scott."

"Kay."

"I practice three hours a day so that when I meet a pirate I can kill it!" Lance snapped.

The two continued to fight, managing to travel all over the shop, including the rafters, until finally Pietro slashed a bag of sand, causing it to explode in Lance's face.

By the time the dust had cleared, Pietro had abandoned his sword in favour of his pistol.

"You cheated." Lance accused.

"Pirate." Pietro rolled his eyes.

Soldiers began hammering on the blocked door, trying to get in, and Lance moved in front of the other exit.

"Move."

Lance shook his head. "No."

Pietro tried again. "Please move."

"No!" Lance repeated. "I cannot just move aside and let you escape."

Pietro took the safety off the pistol. "This shot is not meant for you."

Lance gave him a funny look, but any response was cut off when Remy smashed his (fake) bottle of Pietro's head. The man in question fell forwards and pretended to be unconscious.

At that moment, the door burst open and redcoats flooded it. "There he is! Over there!"

"Excellent work, Mr. LeBeau." Bobby complimented. "You've assisted in the capture of a dangerous fugitive."

"Just doing my civic duty, sir." Remy drawled, slurring his words.

Lance just rolled his eyes.

"Well, I trust you will always remember this as the day that Captain Pietro Maximoff almost escaped." Bobby announced. "Take him away."

"Cut!" Jean called. "Okay, set up for the next scene; Kitty, into your nightdress."

Kitty saluted. "Yes, ma'am."

Pietro wrapped an arm around Lexa's waist. "Worried about me?"

Lexa rolled her eyes. "No." She caught his eye. "Alright, maybe I was a little concerned; Jean wasn't guiding that sword."

"Don't be so dramatic." Jean protested. "Pietro, behind bars."

"Nothing much has changed, has it?" Evan sniggered.

Lexa grabbed Pietro's arm. "He's not worth it."

"Let me at him." Pietro seethed, trying to fight off her hold.

"Pietro!" Lexa snapped. "Leave it!" Realising that she wasn't going to convince him, she changed her tact. "Pietro, if you leave him along, I promise I'll make it up to you later."

Pietro looked from Evan to Lexa and sighed. "Alright. But I'm holding you to that." He kissed her quickly and ran to the set.

Pyro was sat among several Jamie clones in a jail cell, waving a bone through the bars. "Come here, girl. Want a nice juicy bone? Come here! Come on!"

Wolfsbane just sat and glared at them.

In the next cell along, Pietro had recovered his hat and was braced against the wall. "You can keep doing that forever; she is never going to move."

"Well, excuse us if we haven't resigned ourselves to the gallows yet." John snapped.

As the scene changed again, Rahne transformed back and stalked over to Jean. "You owe me one."

In Kitty's bedchamber, Amara finished filling a bedpan with coals and slipped it between the covers. "There you go, miss. It was a difficult day for you, I'm sure."

"Mmm." Kitty agreed absently, turning another page in her book. "Well, I suspected Commodore Drake would propose, but I must admit I wasn't entirely prepared for it."

Amara gave her a funny look. "I mean you being threatened by that pirate. Sounds terrifying."

"Oh." Kitty grimaced slightly. "Yes, it was terrifying."

"But the Commodore proposed! Fancy that." Amara commented. "Now that's a smart match, miss, if it's not too bold to say."

"It is a smart match." Kitty sighed. "He's a fine man; what any woman should dream of marrying."

"Geez, Kitty, could you be anymore enthusiastic?" Bobby called.

"Shut up, Bobby; it's in the script!" Kitty snapped. "Sorry, Amara; go on."

"Right." Amara glared at Bobby for good measure and turned back to Kitty. "Well, that Lance Alvers…he's a fine man too."

At this, Kitty looked up from her book. "That is too bold."

"Well, begging your pardon, miss. It wasn't my place." Amara straightened the sheets one more time and left the 'room', dropping into a seat beside Jean. "You owe me."

"Yeah, yeah." Jean waved her hand. "Whatever. Storm, can we get a breeze please?"

Kitty glanced sideways as the candle flickered out and her gaze slid to the window.

Down at the smithy, Lance paused in hammering a sword as the candles flickered around him; laying the hammer down, he leaned out the window to scan the alleyway, but could see nothing but a lone cat fleeing down the small street.

"You know, most people know that if animals head for the hills you should too." Bobby commented.

Jean fixed him with a glare. "Interrupt one more time, Icecube…"

Bobby swallowed, deciding not to comment how much she was starting to sound like Wolverine.

"Has my daughter given you an answer yet?" Scott asked, hoping to dig Bobby out of his hole.

"No." Bobby answered surely.

"Well, she has had a trying day." Scott coughed sheepishly and changed the subject. "Ghastly weather, don't you think?"

Bobby rolled his eyes. "Bleak. Very bleak."

Before an awkward silence could really begin, muffled bangs broke it and Scott frowned out to sea. "What's that?"

Bobby narrowed his eyes. "Cannon fire!" He dived at Scott, knocking him to the floor as a cannonball flew over them. "Return fire!"

In the prison, Pietro also heard the noise and looked up. "I know those guns." He hurried to the window and peered through the bars. "It's the _Pearl_."

"The _Black Pearl_?" John asked. "I've heard stories. She's been preying on ships and settlements for near ten years. Never leaves any survivors."

"No survivors?" Pietro asked, raising an eyebrow. "Then where do the stories come from, I wonder?"

John looked very confused.

Chaos reined at Port Royal.

Buildings were collapsing, people were screaming, more buildings were collapsing, there was a bit more screaming, then…

"Mommy! Mommy!" A little girl with black hair and dark eyes was toddling through the chaos.

Jean and Taryn immediately reached out telekinetically and caught the falling debris, allowing Jubilee to rush in and the child up.

"CUT!" Jean called. "That's not a robotic baby!"

This realisation was confirmed by several other X-Men and then followed by a loud explosion that came from the next room.

"What happened?" Amanda asked as Jubilee calmed her daughter.

Leaving the set momentarily, Kitty made her way over to the adjoining door and peered through cautiously. "Well, if I had to take a guess, I'd say the twins decided to see what would happen if they combined their powers. And Lorelai decided to join in."

Rogue groaned. "Jean, your children are corrupting my daughter!"

With a sheepish smile, Jean joined Kitty and looked in at the carnage that had been a playroom when they started.

Kitty ran a hand across the top of the child-gate they'd put in. "How did she get out? It's too tall for her to climb over.

A soft hand tugging at her nightdress answered her question and she looked down into her son's eyes. As soon as Liam saw he had her attention, he lifted his arms up and, unable to resist, she complied, lifting him onto her hip. "What am I going to do with you?" She asked no one in particular, taking another look at the mess.

Amidst the remains of several teddy-bears, the three three-year-olds smiled up at them, clearly very pleased with themselves.

Jean sighed. "Well, we don't call the Search and Destroy for no reason."

"Go bang." Monica told her.

"Yes, sweetheart; I can see that." Jean buried her face in her hands. "Now what?"

"We replace this gate with something Liam can't phase through." Kitty suggested.

"Or…" Amara picked her own daughter up, who had been the only one behaving herself. "We could keep them in with us. They'd be occupied at least."

"Won't they get a bit freaked out?" Kitty asked.

"They could already hear most of it through the open door." Jean pointed out. "We'll leave the babies to sleep. Amanda, give me a hand." She passed Joey over to her assistant director and picked Monica up, while Rogue collected Lorelai and Amara passed Eloise over to her father, who wouldn't be needed until she wasn't.

"Kitty, back on set please." Jean prompted, settling down again with her daughter on her lap.

Kitty handed Liam to Lexa and hurried back onset.

"And action!"

Now pirates were coming ashore in boats, brandishing weapons. Ray was polishing a small wooden eye and popped it into an empty socket, courtesy of an image inducer.

Lance dashed through the smithy, grabbing a hatchet, sword and knife as he passed, and emerged onto the street in time to see a terrified maid dash past him, being pursued by a pirate. Taking aim, he hurled the hatchet into the pirate's back and he fell to the ground, dead.

Back at the docks, Bobby was running around giving orders. "Sight the muzzle flask!"

"Aim for the flashes!" Another sailor called.

"I need a full strike, fore and aft! Let these demons both bite at this!" Bobby was temporarily distracted when another cannonball shot past them, missing Scott by an inch. "Governor, barricade yourself in my office! That's an order!"

Up at the house, Kitty jumped out of bed and ran on to her balcony in time to see a horde of pirates making their way up to the house. She left her bedroom and ran through to the top of the stairs in time to see Jamie, in his butler cameo, moving to open the door.

"NO!"

"Hello, chum." Roberto greeted, firing his gun; Jamie collapsed, pretending to be dead and the pirates flooded in. "Up there!" He pointed, as Kitty muffled a scream and ran in the other direction.

She slipped into a side room and shut the door, turning to come face to face with Amara.

"Miss Summers!" Amara whispered. "They've come to kidnap you!"

"What?" Kitty asked shakily.

Amara rolled her eyes. "You're the governor's daughter!"

Kitty could hear the pirates making their way up the staircase. "Listen, they haven't seen you. Hide, and the first chance you get, run to the fort!"

Ray burst through the door and Kitty hit him in the face with a warming pan, giving Amara the chance to run.

Grabbing the handle of the pan, Ray smirked at her. "Gotcha!"

Kitty fought to push it back to that it was over his head and pulled the trigger, releasing the hot coals.

"It's hot! You burned me!"

Amara reached the front door, screaming at Jamie's not-so-dead-body. Kitty ran down the stairs, with Roberto chasing after her, but Ray jumped down to land in front of her, causing her to scream.

They were all momentarily distracted by one of the extras coming in, his arms laden with treasure. A cannonball burst through the opposite wall and knocked him back through the door.

"Well, that was pointless." Bobby commented.

Smiling sweetly, Jean stood up, handing Monica to Amara, who had jogged over to them when she'd left the scene. "Bobby, I believe I warned you that something bad would happen if you interrupted once more."

Bobby winced, swallowing hard, as his fellow cast-members took large steps backwards to avoid being caught in the crossfire. "Now, Jean, is that really…?"

"Run." Jean warned quietly.

Sensibly, Bobby did as he was told, sprinting from the room, and the entire production was put on hold, while the rest of the cast settled down with popcorn and drinks to listen to the screams echoing around the rest of the Institute.

More than one man thought 'wrong time of the month'.

None of them were stupid enough to say it aloud.

Proving that men were not inherently stupid.

It was just Bobby.

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AN: (1) Do I need to explain the reference?

**(2) All credit goes to 'Fairly Odd Parents' which I do not own. Or even watch. So credit goes to my cousin.**

**This was originally going to be longer, but I thought that I was procrastinating too much, so Bobby made for a convenient scene break. Don't worry; I won't hurt him too much. Please, please review!!**


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